Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Old School Reviews (OSR) - Pirates of Dark Water
I'm beginning to post old SNES video games reviews, based on how they hold up by today's standards. This is basically a horribly unfair review of games. Anyway, enjoy.
PIRATES OF DARK WATER
Yet another game where you just press start 3 or 4 times until you actually get to a relevant starting point of the game. This is one strong point to the game. At least the menus aren't pretentious. Quickly the game becomes shitty at the character select screen. Now, I don't remember the cartoon that much, except for the blond haired main character and some flying bird thing (which unfortunately wasn't a playable character), but three characters are able to be chosen, one of which is the blond, Ren. The other is an ebony girl, Tula, and the last being a rapist looking man, Ioz. The characters are placed in the order of Tula, Ren, and Ioz, and under them reads, low strength/high agility, medium strength/medium agility, and high strength/low agility, respectively. I see this and all of a sudden I'm enraged with how easily the game was just dissected by itself. The only lasting interest in a game like this is how differently the characters might. This son-of-a-bitch straight up tells you. For that reason alone, I have to give Pirates of Black Water a D.
Other than that, if the cartoon was still relevant or if Cartoon Network was still bad-ass, this would be a bad-ass beat-em-up for fans. That's why all those Shitty Dragon Ball Z Game were cool, right?
PIRATES OF DARK WATER
Yet another game where you just press start 3 or 4 times until you actually get to a relevant starting point of the game. This is one strong point to the game. At least the menus aren't pretentious. Quickly the game becomes shitty at the character select screen. Now, I don't remember the cartoon that much, except for the blond haired main character and some flying bird thing (which unfortunately wasn't a playable character), but three characters are able to be chosen, one of which is the blond, Ren. The other is an ebony girl, Tula, and the last being a rapist looking man, Ioz. The characters are placed in the order of Tula, Ren, and Ioz, and under them reads, low strength/high agility, medium strength/medium agility, and high strength/low agility, respectively. I see this and all of a sudden I'm enraged with how easily the game was just dissected by itself. The only lasting interest in a game like this is how differently the characters might. This son-of-a-bitch straight up tells you. For that reason alone, I have to give Pirates of Black Water a D.
Other than that, if the cartoon was still relevant or if Cartoon Network was still bad-ass, this would be a bad-ass beat-em-up for fans. That's why all those Shitty Dragon Ball Z Game were cool, right?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Billion Dollar Industry
Alright, so what I'm trying to get at here is that condom's should be a bigger industry than they are. I tried to be professional and do research to find out last years total earnings by the condom companies, but, in my laziness, all I could find is that condom sales are up 5%. Firstly, I don't get it. I mean, I don't ever use condoms anymore anyway. Not while there's birth control pills, that weird wishbone thing girls put in them,
or the tried and true method of giving a fake name. Not that I don't miss that extra 3 minutes of sex that a piece of rubber and/or sheep skin gives to me, but fuck buying them.
Let's face it. If you are real man, you are fucking your girlfriend at least 3 or 5 times a day, and if you don't have a girlfriend then you should be on the prowl, telling girls you are somebody else (Somebody successful usually works, just make sure to lie a lot). Last condom pack I bought had 3 condoms in them. It was the Trojan Pleasure Pack: 1 "Her Pleasure," 1 "Shared Pleasure," and 1 "Ultra Thing." I have my own qualms with this pleasure pack, beside there only being three.
Firstly, why doesn't every condom have spermical lube? Who's it going to hurt to add that? Are there people allergic to spermicidal lube? If so, then there must be someone on the opposite side of the spectrum - someone allergic to sperm itself. What a sad, sad existence. Cum is awesome. That's why pornos always end with a cumshot. We should all use porno to discern what is important in the world.
Secondly, there's a "her pleasure" and a "shared pleasure". Where's the "his pleasure?" I imagine it as some sort of contact lens with a reservoir tip. It's not like you can get a disease from the shaft. Not a terrible one anyway...Right?
Thirdly, ultra thin. Just like the spermicidal lube, if we have the technology, why aren't we using it?! I want every condom to be ultra thin. Paper thin. Uncomfortably thin. Dangerously thin. It's all the "Her pleasure" and "Shared pleasure" condom's fault because girls need those ridges just to get off. God should have just given girl's penises and we could just cum in their butts when we wanted to get them pregnant. Wait, is that gay?
or the tried and true method of giving a fake name. Not that I don't miss that extra 3 minutes of sex that a piece of rubber and/or sheep skin gives to me, but fuck buying them.
Let's face it. If you are real man, you are fucking your girlfriend at least 3 or 5 times a day, and if you don't have a girlfriend then you should be on the prowl, telling girls you are somebody else (Somebody successful usually works, just make sure to lie a lot). Last condom pack I bought had 3 condoms in them. It was the Trojan Pleasure Pack: 1 "Her Pleasure," 1 "Shared Pleasure," and 1 "Ultra Thing." I have my own qualms with this pleasure pack, beside there only being three.
Firstly, why doesn't every condom have spermical lube? Who's it going to hurt to add that? Are there people allergic to spermicidal lube? If so, then there must be someone on the opposite side of the spectrum - someone allergic to sperm itself. What a sad, sad existence. Cum is awesome. That's why pornos always end with a cumshot. We should all use porno to discern what is important in the world.
Secondly, there's a "her pleasure" and a "shared pleasure". Where's the "his pleasure?" I imagine it as some sort of contact lens with a reservoir tip. It's not like you can get a disease from the shaft. Not a terrible one anyway...Right?
Thirdly, ultra thin. Just like the spermicidal lube, if we have the technology, why aren't we using it?! I want every condom to be ultra thin. Paper thin. Uncomfortably thin. Dangerously thin. It's all the "Her pleasure" and "Shared pleasure" condom's fault because girls need those ridges just to get off. God should have just given girl's penises and we could just cum in their butts when we wanted to get them pregnant. Wait, is that gay?
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